Today I made a very important executive decision.  I am going to stop using Fitday to track my food intake/calories.  Maybe most of you are saying, “So…. what’s the big deal?”  Well, to me it is a HUGE deal.  I have used Fitday to track my calories almost every single day for the last five years.  No joke.  On vacations, trips, you name it… every bite was tracked.  Even when I was going through a tough period and was having constant binges of thousands of calories… yep – I entered it all into Fitday.  Don’t ask me why, it was totally an obsessive/compulsive, and I believe a disordered-eating, behavior.

Believe it or not, I actually started using Fitday back when I was trying to gain weight after getting out of the hospital for being underweight.  At the time, I was required to reach a certain calorie level every day so was monitoring it to make sure that I did.  However, as I got up to a healthy weight, it became more of a comfort thing, and eventually reached the point where if I didn’t use it, I got really anxious and nervous.  Was I eating too much?  Too little?  Not enough protein?  Too many carbs?

More recently, although I have continued to use Fitday, I haven’t been quite as obsessed over the numbers as I used to be.  However, I still find myself eating “by the numbers” rather than simply doing what I feel is healthy – eating when I am hungry and when my body needs it.  So I feel that it’s time for me to break free from Fitday.

I’m not sure how long this will last and can’t make any long-term promises.  However, my initial goal and commitment is to not use Fitday for a week.  I will take it one day at a time.  I am hoping that after one week, I will be more comfortable and my goal will be to not use it for another week.  Then maybe two weeks, etc.  until I reach the point where I no longer feel like I need it at all.  I want to eat intuitively – to listen to my body and learn to understand what it is telling me.  It has been so long since I have done that, it really scares me.  I am nervous that I will eat way too much.  I have eaten by the numbers and by the clock for so long that I have lost that connection – but it’s time for me to get it back.  I have come so far in the past year or so, and I’m ready to just be “normal” and healthy.  Normal, healthy eaters do not obsess over every calorie.  I’d like to lose a couple pounds, but weight loss is not my goal anymore – health and happiness in my life is my goal.  So bye bye, Fitday.

Wish me luck.

How did I come to that executive decision today?  Well, after eating my 2:30 snack (yes, I do eat my cereal snack every day at 2:30) I was getting ready to go to the gym.  I opened my freezer to get out some ice for my water bottle and BAM, there was one of my chocolate cheesecakes I made a week or so ago sitting there right in front of me.  I didn’t even think about it – I just pulled it out and ate it.  The whole thing.  All of a sudden, I started obsessing.  How many calories?  I had already eaten my afternoon snack, now what?  I was totally throwing off my routine and my daily number crunching.  For a few minutes, my head was spinning.  And then, all of a sudden, I thought…

This is RIDICULOUS.  Who cares???  It’s a friggin cheesecake!!!  And I was about to go to the gym!

It was so insane, it was almost funny.  And all of a sudden, I didn’t want to record that cheesecake in Fitday.  And then I realized that I didn’t want to record anything in Fitday.  I wanted to break free.  I wanted to not care if I ate a cheesecake in the middle of the day.  If I feel like an unhealthy, sugar-laden cheesecake… I want to eat it!  And enjoy it!  Not every day, for sure, but when I do it I want to be happy about it!  And that’s exactly what I did.  I thought of how good it tasted, and how it didn’t lead me to a binge or cause my all-or-nothing thinking to think in and make me eat everything in my house.  I ate it, and then I went to the gym and did the elliptical for 40 minutes.  And not because I felt that I had to in order to work off the cheesecake I had just eaten, but rather because I was already planning to do that and I just continued with my day completely as planned.  And it felt great.

So for the rest of the day, I didn’t track anything.  So how many calories did I eat today?  I couldn’t tell you.  And this is the first day in five years I can honestly say that.

Breakfast was:

Lunch was:

Snacks were:

And the aforementioned cheesecake.  You might have understood, from my description of the situation, that I didn’t exactly think to take a picture before I ate it.  So here is the incriminating evidence from after the fact:

Dinner was roast beef salad with many veggies, egg whites, cheese, almonds, and olive oil/balsamic vinegar:

And S couldn’t resist putting his “peace” sign in the picture too.

Followed by the rest of the strawberries in the container, because they are on the edge of going bad.  I have one more container to eat tomorrow as they are on their last legs.

And dessert was some caramel ice cream!

And here are a few giveaways:

Rebecca’s Newman’s Own giveaway

Healthy Fit Runner’s first giveaway

Megan’s sweet potato scone giveaway

Love Veggies and Yoga’s NuNaturals giveaway

I am a little too full, but not uncomfortable.  And I’m ok with that.  I will get more and more used to listening to my body every day, and it will get better.  I am so happy and feel at peace.  I will sleep well tonight.  Goodnight, ya’ll.