This morning for breakfast, I went quick and easy comfort food.  I was still pretty upset from my day yesterday, and although I went to bed really early I couldn’t sleep at all.

It just so happens that Kellogg’s Sprinkling program sent me these new grape pop tarts to try.  So pop tarts it was.  A little on the burnt side, but still good.

I felt like a kid again.  Except that when I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to buy pop tarts because they were junk.  But my friends always had them, and I always wanted them and would have them when I had a sleepover or when a friend was nice enough to share.    The grape flavor was pretty good, but I still prefer the classic cherry flavor, and the chocolate fudge… you know, the super-sweet-I-am-eating-a-dessert-pastry-for-breakfast flavors.

S worked from home today, because he was going in to talk to one of the companies that called him the day before.  We were excited to work at home together.  But even though we were both working from home, we didn’t interact that much.  I had meetings starting first thing in the morning until 11, when I had to leave the house for an eye-doctor appointment.  I got home at around 12:30, had more meetings until 2, and S left at 2:30 for his interview.  Oh well, it was a nice thought.

For lunch, I was still craving something warm and comforting.  I broke out a shrimp wonton soup.

and had it with an apple and some kashi crackers (that ran away from my camera.)

I was glad to have the time alone, though.  I had to do a lot of thinking about my family situation, and then I had to call my dad (which I avoided doing yesterday) and talk through it with him.  The situation is by no means fixed (unfortunately, it is not mine to fix… I just am affected and involved in the fallout…) but I have made peace on my side and that is all that I can do right now.

I have a hard time living so far away from my family.  But today is one of the few days where I am happy to have an entire continent of distance from them – from the drama.  It’s true that I have to deal with it over the phone and still have to do my part as a member of the family, but at the end of the day I can hang up and go to bed in my house, with my family (S, JB and Mendy!) and do my own thing.  I don’t feel obligated to go to my parents or to speak to anybody all night… because I can’t.  And that is good for me.  When I lived close to home, every time any little thing happened I would run home to help take care of it.  I was so caught up in trying to fix my family and their problems that I didn’t have any sort of life of my own.  Now that’s different, and I’m thankful for it.  I don’t love my family any less, but I love myself more.

Mid-afternoon I had a chocolate chip rice krispy treat.

You never get too old for rice krispy treats.

So after my careful family analysis and healing, I had to do some analysis on the situation with S and I and why I got so upset yesterday when S got contacted by all those companies.  (By the way, I interrupt myself to tell you that two more contacted him today.)   I realized that it has nothing to do with S and everything to do with me.  I am happy for him that he got contacted for all of these jobs (in particular the one at the company that I wanted.)  But it makes me feel like a failure and bring my own, already existing, insecurities to the surface. I feel like I’m not as good as he is, because he gets job offers I didn’t get.

I also realized (with a little help from S, I’m afraid) that I’m bitter.  I’m bitter because he is going out and doing something I’m not.  Even though his commute is long and not exactly pleasant, every day he gets to go to work in the office and interact with people.  He gets to learn from coworkers face-to-face. He gets that interaction, those connections.  They do the normal work things, like go to happy hours or go out to lunch.  And I sit at home and work on the phone or by myself.

The funny thing is that out of the two of us, I’m more of the extrovert and the person who likes to be around other people.  I love that interaction, that ability to just drop by somebody’s office and talk around the water cooler.  S finds that annoying, and wishes people would just leave him alone to code.  So why am I the one working at home and he is the one going into an office of cubicles??

When I initially got this job, I worked in the office.  There were a few other members on my team who worked in the office too, so we had fun.  We went for walks at lunch time or went out for lunch, and just talked during the day.  Slowly, though, everybody started working from home more and more.  It started as one day a week, then two.  And then it was pretty much every day.  At the same time, I moved into my house which was a good bit further away from the office than my old apartment.  The drive was longer, and I found that when I did go into the office, barely anyone was there for me to interact with anyways.  So I too became officially work at home.

At first it was awesome.  Working in my PJs all day, just having to get up five minutes before I want to start my first meeting or get going.  Working with JB on my lap.  Running around my neighborhood during lunch.  Not having to compete with the rush hour traffic to and from the office.  You know, stuff like that.  But, it quickly got lonely and old.  Although I do appreciate the convenience and some days (like today, when I feel like crap) am thankful for it, overall I am sick of working at home.

People keep saying to me, you have an office to go to, why don’t you go into it?  But whenever I do, there is no one else there from my team anyways, so I just end up working in a mobile office alone.  That’s even worse, because then I have to get dressed up, and drive all the way there and back in traffic just to work by myself.  Duh.

Ok, so enough complaining about my situation.  The bottom line is, I chose this job, I should be thankful that I have a job.  And if I want a different one, I have to work to get it and put myself out there like S is doing.  I need to be happy for his successes, and not compare his situation to mine because they are different.  We have different levels of experience and are looking for very different jobs.  I need to be secure enough in myself that seeing him succeed does not make me feel threatened.  And, as he tells me over and over, we are a team. When S succeeds, I succeed.  And vice versa.  We are in it together, and we are in it to win it.

After I figured that all out, I actually felt better.  I was still exhausted, though, so decided to make today a rest day from the gym.

The AT&T guy finally came this evening, and after 2 hours… fixed our TV!  I was so happy.  I didn’t realize I was such a TV addict.  The good news is that he fixed it just in time for me to watch the new Biggest Loser!  I love that show.

While I watched it, I ate some cheesy broccoli with crab meat for dinner.

And some baby carrots.

Dessert started with some chocolate Smarties that S’s parents sent me,

And continued with some Jelly Beans.  Remember when S’s family was here and they bought me that huge container of Jelly Bellys from Costco?   That was all the way back in July!  I estimated that they would last me about a week.  But look, I still have about half left!

That’s due to the fact that we have no shortage of desserts in this house, that is for sure!

Why am I always sitting here stuffing my face while watching the Biggest Loser?  Yep, I always am

Since it was two hours, I had time for a third dessert… a piece of a marzipan pastry that S’s parents sent.

And that’s all she wrote.  I’m exhausted, and my head is spinning from today.  G’night, ya’ll.